MY CHILD IS GAY: Am I a Bad Parent?
SOME LESSONS LEARNED FROM LIFE’S EXPERIENCES WITH OUR LGBTQ DAUGHTER
This letter was written by a long-‐time friend of Reconciliation Ministries and member of the Healing Hearts parents’ support group. She shares wisdom gained from many years of trusting the Lord to help her love her lesbian-‐identified daughter while maintaining her Christian convictions. She offers the article anonymously to protect the identity of her daughter.
Without going into a lot of detail I will start by saying just about the time we thought our daughter (we’ll call her Mary) was safe and happily married I got a phone call from her saying that she was leaving her husband of just 9 months and that “she would never have another man in her life”. I was shocked and assumed she meant that her past experiences along with her current experience had shown her she just didn’t need a man in her life to be happy.
BUT, the phone call from a mutual friend that followed shortly after took me by surprise when I was told that the person was concerned that Mary might lose custody of our five-‐year old granddaughter because of her decision to live a gay lifestyle. We were shocked. We would never have expected it. There was nothing that happened in her life that would lead us to ever expect it (as a matter of fact all signs lead to quite the opposite). When I called Mary and informed her about what I was told I didn’t handle it too well and even pulled the religious card out to play. BUT, God already had a plan and it was not necessarily for her but for me.
THE LESSONS BEGIN
We could not walk this walk alone. We needed the body of Christ and God graciously led my husband and myself to Healing Hearts through a friend. The following Scripture became a very important part of our lives.
“Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” – Hebrews 10:24-‐25 [NLT]
God showed me that I needed to love her and her partner (we’ll call her Ann) as well. It was a lot easier to love my daughter than it was to love the one who I was sure had lead her astray. But God impressed upon me that He loved the world unconditionally and I needed find a way to love Ann.
I began to see the positive things that the partner had brought into both Mary and our granddaughter’s lives. Things like no more abuse, financial stability, and Ann even quit drinking when she realized that she was now responsible for our granddaughter. (Ann has now been sober for over 10 years.)
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” – Philippians 4:8 [NLT]
It has not made me look at the relationship as acceptable according to the Word of God, but it has helped me to develop an attitude of gratitude in my life and a trust in God that He is more than able to make all things whole again for Mary and Ann and our granddaughter. HE IS MY HOPE!!!!
When raising our children “All we can do is our best”. I immediately started to hear the enemy say if only you had done or said something differently, if only you had seen the signs. And then I remembered something a very wise friend had said to me years before when we had another incident with Mary. She asked me if I was blaming myself and I said of course, I am the mother. She pointed out to me that God is the “perfect parent” and His kids rebel. That thought has helped to set me free from condemnation.
Sometimes when we pray we are praying with wrong motives and not in faith and trust. Early on, the Holy Spirit pointed out to me that my motive for praying for Mary was to manipulate the situation and not put her in God’s hands. There is no safer place for LGBTQ family members than in the arms of God and in a family that loves them and accepts them in the same way that their Heavenly Father does.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” – Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)
Below is a copy of the entire Serenity Prayer. (I ran across it a few years ago and it has changed my outlook on many so things.)
The Serenity Prayer:
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next.
My prayer for anyone who reads this is that you will be able to trust what Romans 8:28 says: “All things work together for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” Sometimes life’s lessons come the hard way but when your hope is in God, nothing is for naught.
© Reconciliation Ministries 2015. This article may be reproduced and distributed as long as credit is given and no fee is charged.