Confessions of a perfectionist.
How do you practice vulnerability that admits weakness when everything in you strives for perfection?
It can be more challenging when this admission confronts intense fears of rejection, judgements from others and failure. My rational was that if I had the image that everything was good on the outside, had the right friends and only participated in things that I was good at, one might think I had everything
together, right? But anyone with a lick of discernment, would be able to notice that something was off.
Why would a gifted, decent looking, kind, compassionate and friendly young man struggle with shame, self-hatred, insecurity, comparison, and fears that at times were paralyzing? My alliance with the image of perfection stemmed from deep levels of shame and self-hatred that I experienced as a young emerging adolescent, specifically from an early exposure to pornography in grade school and an introduction to mutual masturbation from a male peer.
I already felt different as a young man. Why wasn’t I interested in all the things my male peers were interested in, like competitive team sports and being rough and tumble? These differences were intensified when I hit puberty, and the early experiences with sexuality didn’t help. I wasn’t noticing the pretty girls that seemed to mesmerize my peers. In fact, to my horror, I was noticing and intrigued by the good looking, masculine, and athletic guys. This began the consumption of negative and self-criticizing thoughts. I made an inward vow that no one would ever know these deep, confusing struggles that were becoming my normal and constantly before me. God knew that I didn’t want these attractions and desires. I felt alone, scared, and hopeless. I even questioned God’s love for me.
It was in college when this wall of shame began to crack. I was raised going to church and believing in God, but the shame and self-hatred kept me from knowing and experiencing a deep, personal, and intimate relationship with Christ. Being clueless and unaware of the power of God and His reality, I was blind to the fact that God was working behind the scenes. He was sovereignly changing the desires of my heart and bringing friends into my life who had convictions for faith, purity, and righteousness. This was foreign but attractive. I started attending a college Christian group called Chi Alpha. I wasn’t used to the overtly passionate faith that my peers were expressing but the love I felt was tangible and real. Never in all my years and experiences had I witnessed vulnerability, confession of sin and a hunger for the things of God. You can imagine how this confronted my pride and the inner vow I had spoken as a young man.
It was the summer of 1994 when the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart to confess to my best friend the struggles I was having with lust, masturbation, and same sex attraction. After an hour of an internal emotional wrestling match with God, He won. I had my first experience with the gift and power of confessing something that I wanted to hide and keep hidden. I tasted vulnerability and it was good. I love this scripture in John 5:16 from the Amplified classic version. “Confess to one another therefore your faults, (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray (also) for one another, that you may be healed and restored (to a spiritual tone of mind and heart). The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available (dynamic in its working).
It is now 28 years since that confession, and I have continued to practice the gift of confession to trusted others in my life. I have found that it is this practice that keeps me humble and reminds me of my intense need for Christ and others in my life.
Is there something in your life that you need to confess? Do you have a safe and trusted community where this can be experienced? If not, keep seeking Jesus to answer this prayer. And if you do have it, this is a gift and rare! Keep practicing vulnerability and modeling this courage to others. This is what the world needs!
