by Robert Burke
When I was about 5 years old, I thought that my family environment was normal. All my memories before 4 years old are gone and I thank God for that – because when I turned 5 that is when the nightmare started. I don’t remember everything but that which I do, I want to share with you. I walked into the bathroom with blood all over the wall and floor tiles in the bathroom, my mother was cutting herself. Not long after that, I was woken up during the night by a man talking to my mother, when I lifted my head to see, I saw him pointing a knife to my mother’s throat threatening to kill me too if I don’t go to sleep.
See, actually he is not really my father as far as I know. To this day, I still don’t know. I have a sister who is older than me and one brother who died in 2022 of a massive heart attack. This year, I am 44 – turning 45 on Christmas in 2023. He stole me from my mother one night and took me to his place, he had a gun and wanted to kill me (I think he found out I was not his son and he wanted to hurt my mother). He pulled the trigger, and the gun never went off. I saw something between me and the gun. I didn’t even know my siblings so to say I knew what love was – was nonexistent.
The moment I felt special was when I was 6 and locked in a shed with a man who wanted to show me how milk comes from a man – he made me do things to him and he made me feel so special. After that, I only had dreams of men in that way. I didn’t even know what I was doing but I felt like someone cared for me.
I was eventually taken away to a foster family who cared for me – it was only then I saw my life was never supposed to be the way it was, but I still did not understand what was going on with me inside. After moving to another province, social services sent me to a Orphanage to be with my brother as they believed – family must be together! It wasn’t long until he was sent away, and I had to fend for myself. I was molested by boys from that moment on for the next nine years of my life. I knew I didn’t want to be like that – and asked God to take this away from me and if he didn’t, I would become a satanist and started dabbling in spirituality I even went looking for it on weekends when I was able to visit my mother by “cruising” train stations. I was already a pro at identifying who would be interested. It was worse when I started fighting it so I just gave in all the time.
When I was 16, I was on drugs and in the clubs and used my boy beauty to get what I wanted because I lost my childhood so I needed to claim those years back. This only led to being raped in a hotel room by a man who drugged me. I still have a glimpse of what happened and when morning came, he introduced me to his family. That was too much for me to deal with so I got out as fast as I could.
That is when I got to Wynn, I was so broken and ready to make the change! But like everything else, nothing lasted, and I had sex with another man during the program. So much shame and guilt, I told God that if He could not help me then there was no reason for me to be at church and turned against God. It took my ten years of orgies, selling myself, selling drugs, partying hard and working hard to finally sense God saying: “This will end”. I knew God was talking about my same sex promiscuity and lustful nature which I was ready to change.
Three words from God turned to four after joining Vineyard Church and doing a support program as a participant. It was painful to process everything just to realise that my whole life was filled with no love, loneliness and seeking the approval of others in so many sexual experiences which left me empty as I went on. I went through so many counselling sessions with the program, and I was totally committed. I was even selected to be an assistant team leader and went onto further training where God said to me, “You are my Son!” It was the best three years of my life – until I lost my mother for a second time in 2012, she died after battling an illness for seven years. I lost grip on where I was in my life and God.
I realised I was slipping back into drugs to deal with the pain and hurt and even went as far as wanting to overdose on drugs, but God was not going to have none of that!! I tried really hard until I knew I was alone again in this work, and He left me there until I got everything out my system – that is when I sensed Him again – “This will end” So I weaned myself off drugs because God allowed me to do it the first time, but this time, it was harder. I also stopped clubbing, seeing the wrong people, and worked with my brother for three years, until our relationship came to an end. I needed to take a step of faith and called my sister to tell her that I needed out. I packed up my car without knowing where I was sleeping with one tank of petrol and travelled a couple of hours to reach a place, I did not know with people I never met and trusted God to get me through it. I started counselling again with Kingdom DNA and when that ran its course, I got an email to say my brother passed away. I knew God took him and felt that everything in my life until that moment was part of God’s plan – the pain, the loss, the abuse and all the suffering. Today, I would not change one day of suffering for a life I dreamt of living throughout my life.
See, God didn’t choose me to have this life, but He promised to make things new. And today, I can’t think of anything better to return God’s gift than to help someone who’s pain of rejection, abandonment, loneliness, addiction, and loss is not being recognized by themselves or those around them. God created us to love each other and to this day, my miracle is being alive through more than what I mentioned here. God has given me a gift of compassion and empathy and I cannot wait for the day for him to let me loose when the time is right to help where I can. I am not a savior; I am just a guy who was given a very raw deal and kept fighting with the Grace of God and His mercy to my never-ending tears of pain. Today it is tears of joy for His Love for me. I cannot imagine ever going back to what was. No matter what life throws at me, today I have God in my corner and my life. In all my life, I want to show others that God sees, God knows, and God will do what He did for me for those who want a new way of life with Him in it.
Oh, and I reconnected with Wynn after many years. He’s been a stable constant voice of reason and safety. I thank God for Bible based programs like Restoring Wholeness and others which support those struggling with abuse and addictions. Many give a guiding light to the Truth and the Way!