My Path to Sexual Addiction and then Freedom
A teenage girl introduced me to the world of sexual intimacy at the tender age of five. My five-year-old mind struggled to comprehend what was happening, my body enjoyed some of the sensations; I enjoyed the special attention but at the same time was revolted by it all. The door to adult sexuality had been prematurely opened.
Sexual contact with my peers was a recurring theme throughout my childhood sometimes initiated by me, sometimes not. An older boy introduced me to masturbation, which became an addiction to last many years.
My father kept pornographic magazines in the drawer next to his bed, which we regularly indulged in. A boy in my younger brother’s class at junior school had access to his father’s extensive hard core pornography library, we watched many of them as well as some my father had borrowed from a neighbor and kept in his cupboard.
The abuse, pornography and compulsive masturbation combined to form a perverted mind unusual in one so young.
The poor relationship with my father throughout my childhood left a hunger for masculine affirmation. I found myself fantasizing about sexual contact with idealized male peer and authority figures not realizing that I was subconsciously trying to fill the void left in my childhood development by the lack of relationship with my father.
I desperately wanted to be accepted by my peers but they picked up on my insecurity as a male and I was almost always on the fringes of any group of kids my age or older.
I survived by trying to be what I thought would bring acceptance, a chameleon that adapted and changed according to the whims and needs of others. My own shaky identity was lost in the process. I retreated into my own private fantasy world where I controlled my objects of desire and pleasure. I always had to face the emptiness of being alone at the end of my solitary journeys of pleasure.
Becoming a Christian in early adulthood brought a strong realization of the unhealthy and ungodly secret inner life I was leading. I felt too ashamed to share my inner struggles with my new Christian brothers and sisters, as I feared that they too would reject me.
God was faithful and patient, gently leading me on the long path to healing, filling my life with healthy Christian friendships, and healing my fragile inner self. He led me to the right books to read and made sure I attended the right courses. After several years as a Christian I was finally able to be honest about where I had come from and to experience true freedom by bringing everything out into the open in Godly Christian relationships. The scripture John 8:32 became a theme in my life; “And you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free.” (Amplified).
What amazed me the most was that when I was real, people loved me more for my honesty and openness. I finally felt accepted for who I really was, there was no longer any need to hide behind the masks carefully constructed to hide the shame of my sinful past.
The years of healing have been filled with both pain and joy but my addictive sexual thoughts and behaviors have slowly been replaced by healthy alternatives. What had seemed impossible to me, God had made possible and I am living testimony to His faithfulness, grace, mercy and restoring power.
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